Part of me is nervous about putting this out into the world for strangers to read and judge but I recognize that I am not the person that I was when this happened.
I was a sophomore in high school who’s mom had just died the year prior. I was forced by the state to live somewhere that I did not want to live. I was receiving little emotional support from friends and family, I surrounded myself with toxic people and was placed on Zoloft by my doctor. I was not in control of my own life.
The day I tried to kill myself was on an average Sunday night. It felt like no one understood me, I felt so alone in the world. I remember being upset about being excluded from hanging out with some friends. This happened a lot, it made me feel invisible. I had just gotten yelled at by a family member for not being grateful that they took me in. I had no one to stand up for me, no one to protect me, my mind and body were in constant pain. The most irrational thing seemed like my only option at the time. I took the rest of the months worth of the prescription I was prescribed to help me sleep. This prescription was extremely strong, I knew that I didn’t need as many as I took. After I took the pills, I sat there and felt peace. Within 10 minutes I called my best friends mom and told her what I did. I left my house like everything was normal. My best friends parents tried to get me to throw up but I wasn’t even putting 1,000 calories into my body at the time – nothing came up. I kept telling them not to bring me to the hospital because my entire family would find out and judge me.
They ended up bringing me to the hospital. I was in and out of consciousness. Because the hospital I was brought to wasn’t a trauma center I was brought via ambulance to another hospital. All I remember was there were multiple doctors and nurses fussing over me. I wasn’t scared. My best friend’s mom later in life told me that it had gotten so bad that the doctors weren’t sure if I was going to make it. The next thing I remember was waking up a day later with IVs hooked up on various parts of my body. The central line that was placed in my neck was so uncomfortable. I remember waking up to no one in the room, I was alone. When my family came to see me I was scolded.
There isn’t much more to this story besides the fact that I was allowed to go home a few days later from the hospital like nothing had changed. I was looked at differently by family, they all whispered about me. This event changed how I viewed life and my role in life. I was in charge of seeking help for myself, I was in charge of making sure I was ok, I couldn’t rely on anyone else. After this, I really focused on receiving the proper help and purging the toxic people from my life – it took a while. The same therapist who I started to see after I tried to kill myself, is still my doctor today. She truly helped me change my life and the outlook that I had on life.
I am not ashamed of what I did, I turned a terrible situation in my life into a learning experience which gave me a beautiful appreciation of my life and the world around me. Please know that it gets better, pain is just temporary.
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Thank you for keeping up with me!
“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness” – Desmond Tutu