Hello, hello! With the recent news of Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, and so many others who suffer with mental illness, I wanted to share some of my journal entries throughout the past year in hopes of showing you that writing can be extremely therapeutic and to show you that you aren’t alone in whatever you may be going through. So here is a look into my journal.
My mental illness journey has been going on for 8 years now. My mental health journey has involved so many ups and downs. I have learned so much about myself throughout these past 8 years and learned how lonely mental health/illness can truly be. My journal hides some of my darkest secrets and emotions that during those times of need I couldn’t get myself to tell others how I felt. For everyone overwhelming and bleak entry there are dozens of uplifting and lighthearted entries.
Depression feels like you have weights on your feet, it feels like you were just shoved off the dock and as the cold water stabs your body you rapidly sink to the bottom of the void.
Sometimes people will throw you a rope and try to pull you out. The rope burn on your hands can be too unbearable to continue being pulled up with the weights attached to your feet, so you let go and sink back down. Sometimes the rope is too short. And sometimes the rope isn’t even there to try and grab.
Although drowning in depression physically and mentally feels like a vicious cycle that moment, when you cut those weights from your feet and float up to the surface for air, is the most euphoric feeling one can experience. So as you read my journal, please keep in mind that each time after these entries were written I soon after came up to the surface for air.
Preface: September, October, and part of November were extremely tough for me. I was struggling with PTSD, I couldn’t sleep through the night without waking up in a sweat from those times in my life when I could have done something and when I could have said something to make my life different than what it is now. Mental illness is painful, it is lonely, but it is temporary.
I couldn’t say what I had written down to those who had hurt me, I didn’t want to hurt them even though they hurt me. During this time I was becoming very open about my rage towards those in my life during my childhood. A lot of family members cut me off after speaking out. I was getting angry phone calls and text messages, I was (still am) the black sheep of the family lol.
I felt enormous guilt for what how I felt and how I acted. I felt like a bourdon on those in my life and constantly would hide my thoughts in my journal. I wasn’t suicidal, as previously mentioned, I was very numb and tired. During this time my home life was rapidly worsening by the minute. I was constantly in a toxic environment.
PTSD, depression, and anxiety has left me extremely numb at times. I felt so alone and like no one could relate. I felt like an outcast in my own life.
Grief therapy was opening a lot of suppressed emotions that I struggled to deal with in regards to family and friends who knew what I went through as a child. For the first time in my life, I was truly irate.
During those few weeks I wrote often, I tried to bury my emotions in my journal so others wouldn’t have to feel the burden of my pain. If I had to repeat those few weeks I would have spoken even more openly about how I was feeling because sometimes your emotions need to be heard in order for you to heal.
I hope you all know that there is a place in this world. Suicide is not the answer. There is a unique way for each and every person to cope and heal so that they can overcome their battles. Recognize your mental health as a journey that does not have to be a negative experience. Take the time to learn about yourself. Writing about this now is not difficult for me because it is something that I overcame. When you overcome your battle, I hope that you speak up and continue the conversation about mental illness.
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Thank you so much for keeping up with me for another post! Xoxo
“We need to change the culture of this topic and make it OK to speak about mental health and suicide” – Luke Richardson