Suicide

Part of me is nervous about putting this out into the world for strangers to read and judge but I recognize that I am not the person that I was when this happened.

I was a sophomore in high school who’s mom had just died the year prior. I was forced by the state to live somewhere that I did not want to live. I was receiving little emotional support from friends and family, I surrounded myself with toxic people and was placed on Zoloft by my doctor. I was not in control of my own life.

The day I tried to kill myself was on an average Sunday night. It felt like no one understood me, I felt so alone in the world. I remember being upset about being excluded from hanging out with some friends. This happened a lot, it made me feel invisible. I had just gotten yelled at by a family member for not being grateful that they took me in. I had no one to stand up for me, no one to protect me, my mind and body were in constant pain. The most irrational thing seemed like my only option at the time. I took the rest of the months worth of the prescription I was prescribed to help me sleep. This prescription was extremely strong, I knew that I didn’t need as many as I took. After I took the pills, I sat there and felt peace. Within 10 minutes I called my best friends mom and told her what I did. I left my house like everything was normal. My best friends parents tried to get me to throw up but I wasn’t even putting 1,000 calories into my body at the time – nothing came up. I kept telling them not to bring me to the hospital because my entire family would find out and judge me.

They ended up bringing me to the hospital. I was in and out of consciousness. Because the hospital I was brought to wasn’t a trauma center I was brought via ambulance to another hospital. All I remember was there were multiple doctors and nurses fussing over me. I wasn’t scared. My best friend’s mom later in life told me that it had gotten so bad that the doctors weren’t sure if I was going to make it. The next thing I remember was waking up a day later with IVs hooked up on various parts of my body. The central line that was placed in my neck was so uncomfortable. I remember waking up to no one in the room, I was alone. When my family came to see me I was scolded.

There isn’t much more to this story besides the fact that I was allowed to go home a few days later from the hospital like nothing had changed. I was looked at differently by family, they all whispered about me. This event changed how I viewed life and my role in life. I was in charge of seeking help for myself, I was in charge of making sure I was ok, I couldn’t rely on anyone else. After this, I really focused on receiving the proper help and purging the toxic people from my life – it took a while. The same therapist who I started to see after I tried to kill myself, is still my doctor today. She truly helped me change my life and the outlook that I had on life.

I am not ashamed of what I did, I turned a terrible situation in my life into a learning experience which gave me a beautiful appreciation of my life and the world around me. Please know that it gets better, pain is just temporary.

Please if you need help use the information below.
suicidepreventionlifeline.org
1-800-273-8255

Thank you for keeping up with me!

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness” – Desmond Tutu




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17 comments so far.

17 responses to “Suicide”

  1. Phuro! says:

    When I had a traumatic childhood experience I remember myself thinking “No matter how hard I shout, no one will be around to help !” So that belief got me stuck in a vicious cycle for years and attracted similar experiences like glue…that feeling of loneliness can be overwhelming, like you are drowning in this world…It is a tough one to get over with ! Thanks for sharing your story !

    • keepingupwithkayl says:

      Thank you for sharing yours! I think its incredibly important that people know they aren’t alone during a dark time

  2. hudapervez says:

    So brave of you to share this story and I’m so sorry you had to go through that! So great to see you doing better! ♥️

    • keepingupwithkayl says:

      Thank you so much! Its a very important part of my life. I want to do my part and share my story so that someone else doesn’t have to go through what I did. Thank you for your kind words 🙂 <3

  3. Jani V says:

    High school years can be so cruel. There are so many expectations and sometimes there is so litttle help and support out there. I am glad you were brought to a hopsital, and you have lived to see life in a completely different way. It is so important to speak up about these issues so other who are struggling find them and can seek help, and see that it does get better, there is HOPE.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Jani from http://www.mylifeinmedicineblog.com

  4. jybell1985 says:

    I’m so glad you shared your story ! I’ve never tried to commit suicide but I also lost my Mom at a young age and mistreated my body with anorexia and bulimia as a teenager. Yes! People need to know they are not alone

    • keepingupwithkayl says:

      I am so sorry to hear that, it’s truly life-changing to lose a parent. I hope that you are doing much better <3 Thank you for sharing!! <3 <3

  5. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m glad you’re in a better place. The world is better with you in it. ❤️

  6. antsafanou says:

    found you on the blog party from naya^^, I m glad I stopped by, I am in my season of in the middle of a kind of depression too now so I write to add some meaning into my life. Some days are really amazing, some are just meaningless, but yeah as you said , pain is just temporary. Thanks for this article^^

  7. As a mom of a teenage son who recently committed suicide, I appreciate you sharing something that is not an easy topic to talk about. <3

  8. So glad you shared your story! And even more glad that you come out on the other side and have gained new perspective and hope. I pray you continue with this mindset.

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