This post may be super rambly, but that’s just how I’m feeling lately. I’ve learned to be open and blunt with what’s on my mind, regardless of what others may think.
I am so excited for this semester to be done with. By Tuesday afternoon I will have completed two exams, a quiz, and a 10-page paper. It’s that point in the semester where I am extremely burnt out and questioning why I went to college.
You would assume that applying for financial aid for college as an orphan that I would receive considerable aid – nope. I had a close relationship with my guidance counsellor in high school and she was very involved in helping me with the college process. She went with me to a school to talk to the financial aid office because I was alone in the entire process.
I remember asking the aid advisor what I am supposed to do because the school wasn’t offering me any form of scholarship, nor was Fasfa, but I wanted to go to college to make my mom proud and have potential to turn my life around. The advisor told me that because my grades weren’t competitive with the other students that they were unable to offer me a scholarship. Honestly, I was a B-ish student.
I remember leaving that meeting with my guidance counsellor in tears because all I wanted to do was leave my current living situation and go to college, but I couldn’t afford it on my own. The whole college system is twisted and sets people like me up for failure.
My legal guardian at the time refused to co-sign my college loans. He wouldn’t co-sign for me but had no problem collecting my social security checks (another story for another time).
Thankfully a beautiful human who I call my dad (another story for another time) agreed to cosign my loans because he knew how important it was for me to get a college education.
He knew that before my life even started I was given the short end of the stick. I had no control of my life for 18 years and college was a way for me to make something of myself.
Because funds are limited, I chose college over getting my own place to call home.
I have been living in my grandfather’s home since 2010, this is where the court placed me after my mom died (I didn’t have a say where I lived). I kept telling myself that it would only be a few more years until I can move out, it would be fine. (My mom’s brother also lives in this house, we don’t get along)
Living in this house has been hell. A true living hell. Once I graduated high school and stopped receiving SS that’s when shit really hit the fan. Both my uncle and grandfather would speak down to me, have absolutely no consideration, and would be hostile towards me. My uncle comes home plastered and I swear if he murdered someone my grandfather would defend him. He can do no wrong in my grandfather’s eyes. It has become so extremely exhausting to constantly be less than.
When my grandfather found out that he couldn’t claim me on his taxes anymore he lost his mind. I have never heard him speak to anyone like the way he did to me. He told me that I was a burden and that I owed him money for him not being able to claim me on taxes. He started to charge me “rent”. Neither my uncle or grandfather spoke to me or even acknowledged my existence for a solid week, I didn’t exist.
Long story short, I still live here. I am currently a senior economics & political science major and I am just itching to graduate. I have no idea what kind of job I am going to get, but all I know is that I just want out of this house. Its 9:40pm and my grandfather is blaring the tv.. he’ll do this until he goes to sleep at like 1am.
This place has never been a home and if I knew what I know now, I wonder if I would have still gone to college… especially knowing how much I owe on loans. I crave somewhere that I can call home. I just want a safe environment.
The one statement that I try to live by is the fact that a lot can be taken from you, but no one can ever take away your education.
I’ve had a lot stolen from me, but no one can take away my four years of higher education.
If you’ve ever been in a similar situation or just want to comment, please feel free to!
Thank you so much for reading this rambly mess!
Until next time 🙂 xoxo