Many Emotions Today

There is nothing that I can’t stand more than when people pity me or feel bad for me. I got this a ton after my mom died… even when it’s mentioned today I have people (who aren’t in close relation to me) saying “wow I am so sorry”, “i’m sorry to hear that”, “I couldn’t imagine”, “how did you manage to survive?” – Truthfully what the hell do you say back? Saying “thank you” feels weird, why the hell should I be thanking a stranger for them saying sorry to my trauma? Saying “it’s okay” feels even weirder because it’s not ok what I went through. It’s not ok that my mom and me don’t get to dance together at my wedding. It is NOT ok that my relatives turned a blind eye to abuse. But what should I say?

I still haven’t shared this blog to my social media because I don’t even want to listen to the backlash that I will get for telling my truth. I am so fed up with being told to move on… I have accepted that my mom is dead, I have accepted that there is nothing that I can do about it. But I find it difficult to accept that my family turned a blind eye and continued to turn a blind eye even after my mom passed away.

The day my mom died there were relatives who went into our home and began to take our belongings.. hours after she died they were stealing from our home. Someone took our refrigerator lol. It’s not funny it’s just ridiculous. I’ve had to learn to just laugh at the bullshit that I go through because it is so inconceivable.

No one listened to me when I said that I didn’t want to live at my grandfather’s house. The social worker didn’t listen, my relatives didn’t listen, no one listened. I went through years of psychological abuse after my mom died. I wish that those who tell me to “move on” would shove it up their asses.

I have family that lived within blocks of me who never intervened. Grown adults sat back and let me be abused and abandoned. When I legally moved into my grandfather’s house he said it was a burden. I was constantly scolded when I would bring boxes of my belongings from my house to his house. I had to leave about 80% of my things & my mom’s things that I wish I had today.

My grandfather gave my uncle keys to mine and my mom’s house so that he could “clean up”. He trashed the place. He left dozens of beer cans throughout the house. He left cigarette butts wherever he pleased. Worse of all he threw out everything before asking me. My grandfather and uncle sold my dad’s car that was left in storage – I didn’t see any of that money. They both also sold my moms car and once again I didn’t see any of that money. I still have to look them both in the face and bury my resentment. I was lectured that I should be grateful that they took me in.

There is so much more to my truth, but I do feel guilty for venting when I know there are others out there who have suffered more. That’s a statement that I live by.. someone always has it much worse.

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